Raven's Journal

3:49PM - *hits self*

Just wrote long post, posted it here, then forgot I'd moved. *hits self on head repeatedly*

I have moved!

I have moved here - loneraven

Now if there were only some way to remind myself of that.

(2 lights in the darkness| go catch a falling star)

9:29PM - I've moved!

I've moved!

I've moved journals. I am now here - loneraven and it's a brand new shiny account! I haven't added everyone yet, but if you feel prolonged interest in my life, add me, por favor, and I'll add ya back(!)

Thanking you all...

(go catch a falling star)

12:08PM - *thinks*

Please, someone:

I need an LJ code Please!

Or, alternatively, can anyone tell me where to get one?

(go catch a falling star)

11:21PM - whatever

No more. Please, no more.
Fucking Monsoon Wedding.

(go catch a falling star)

5:17PM - Even with the Russians, this is the nature of the beast

Raven's lost her hawk says:
ah-ah-ah, you haven't met Jonas yet!
The Wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead says:
except for mabye Davis... who actually SEEMS to be openly gay on the show..... "Daniel.... blah blah blah russians"
The Wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead says:
and i HAVE met Jonas.
Raven's lost her hawk says:
*laughs*
Raven's lost her hawk says:
with the Russians? Jonas and the Russians?
The Wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead says:
i hate jonas..... snivelling creep...... at least Maybourne was cool
The Wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead says:
Daniel and the russians
Raven's lost her hawk says:
*is obsessing* even with the Russians?

Even with the Russians? I loved the bits with the Russians!
Anyway. Today, I saw a salmon at a fishmonger's. A whole salmon, dead, gutted, and lying on a pile of ice. That salmon had a better day than I did.
Firstly, there's all the stuff I don't want to go into. Suffice it to say I wish I could say I didn't give a flying fuck, but I can't.
And secondly, I wanted to go into town for serious retail therapy. Some time ago, I saw a pretty pendant, a big silver circle with a silver star and a blue stone in the middle, hanging on a silver chain. I loved it and I wanted it, but at the time I thought it was grossly overpriced. Now I want it enough to buy it. And I would have bought it, along with several books from Waterstone's, enough to deserve the term "retail therapy" but my mother decided she wanted to spend quality time. I wouldn't have minded if we'd gone into Liverpool, 'cause then I could have sneaked off, but no, we had to go to Southport, the old biddy capital of the world. Apparently they settle there for the sea air - and then expect you to give up your seats for them.
I think I can judge by everyone's traces - no-one has been online since last night, except Emily who will have left the country by now, so I think I'm justified in the conclusion everyone in my world had a better day than me.
And I'm still angry from yesterday. And I resent people saying I'm "upset" 'cause that would mean I'm a little pissed off over nothing.
I'm angry. I don't get angry very often, because I have a very long fuse. Very long fuses are used for very big explosions. I need to get angry now. Or in a few years' time, when the fuse has burnt down some more, I'm going to do something really terrible.
This is the nature of the beast.

(go catch a falling star)

12:16AM - *is stunned*

Pedar is so sweet..... he knows all about my problems with life in general, and he was giving me advice, which I try to take, because of his extreme resemblance to Atticus Finch. Everything he tells me tends to be true. I was a bit depressed and extremely pissed off, and his last bit of advice was "Go out tomorrow and buy yourself something pretty."
When I got back up here there was a crisp new twenty-pound note on the computer table.
It may have not erased my problems - but I certainly feel better now.

(go catch a falling star)

10:37PM - Philosophy

That's it. I'm not helping people any more.
You help people, they screw you over.
You're nice to people, they treat you like crap.
You give someone everything of yourself, and they take you for granted.
You can do anything, even be paranoid to the point of insanity, and nothing ever changes and everything stays the same.
All I ever wanted..... fuck it. No-one cares.

(go catch a falling star)

6:33PM - And all I can think of

Made fucking pig's ear of music exam. And so sick of the whole world.
God, I hate being lied to.
And being treated like I have no idea what's going on.
And the rest of it.
I'm so tired. And I'm sick of helping people. Everyone who wants to know what x equals, or what "quelquefois je vais a la piscine" means, or how to spell "antagonism" can go to hell in a handbasket.
I was going to type, "Oh, well, whatever, nevermind," but that's not true. I do mind.
I want coffee. And maybe strawberries. But we don't have either.
I wish.... I didn't choose to make a stand for things, or to be understanding or helpful or at all ethical.
Nevermind.
Just checked my website's hitcounter - is abominally low. It's here - here!
Blatant plug - but the counter is way too low.

(2 lights in the darkness| go catch a falling star)

11:07AM - Cold light of day

Wasn't planning to update now, but still....
Aargh. Pedar is home this morning, and due to an unexpected twist of fate, so am I. Last night is a bit ofa hazy blur in the cold light of day, but I can remember being very pissed off, for several reasons. I'm content to let it fade into the mists of time. Seeing as I didn't actually write anything about the day's events - well, I did, then lost it - the main strange effect was Miss Gow - who stopped me on my way out of school, to say, "I like the outfit. Interesting overall effect."
What was I wearing? Um.... red top, baggy indigo denim jeans, long coat and soft hat adorned with badges. There's an outfit I shall have to rethink (!)
This morning - somewhat paranoid about music exam this afternoon. I would skive it, but I want to do it, tell the world I've done it, and then forget about it forever.
Came up here to listen to some better music than "Sonatina in A minor" (how long did it take them to come up with that name, I wonder?). Then realised that every musician who's good enough to have a CD in my possession must have done exactly what I'm doing, only with rather more success and rather better song lyrics.
Started reading Bridget Jones again. I may renew it, rather than give it back.
I may appear in school later. Probably will. Hmmm. Have abandoned Hel in French. I'm sure she loves me forever for that! Come to think of it, I love her and hate her and can't live without her. It's a strange relationship.
Has anyone ever noticed that CDs are recorded on different volumes, or is that just me? I was just listening to Californication, on a comfortable volume, and I've just changed the CD to Clear Hearts Grey Flowers and pressed play - on the same volume, it's way too loud - ear-bleedingly loud.
Better get dressed.

(go catch a falling star)

9:57PM - Lagaan

It's amazing how much better life is when listening to Lagaan themes. I've listened to them hundreds of times and still not got bored of them.



Love this. Love everything about it.

(go catch a falling star)

8:37PM - "Shall I compare thee to a sarcastic bird?" - Rebecca E. Jones

*screaming*

Fucking livejournal!

Wrote long entry for the third fucking time and lost it all for the third fucking time!

The client crashes when I use friends filter and the computer crashes when I use Microsoft word.

Fucking livejournal!

That's it. I don't care what happened today. I will not write an entry, as obviously it isn't meant to be.

God, I hate this computer! I hate-it-hate-it-loathe-it-fuck-it-die-computer-die-sillicon-chips-rot-and-warp-and-die for crying out loud!

I can't scream any more. I'm so tired.
I've been so angry with the whole world for just being there, and now I'm tired.

*screams* Love you!

(go catch a falling star)

9:14PM - All I want is you

Considering.... (I use that word in every lj post, so let's get it used and over with)
A few things to write about. After the last entry, went to lunch and met Ella crying because of her piano. Painfully familiar. I really thought I was next, but I wasn't - it wasn't that bad, but I have a long lesson tomorrow that I am not looking forward to at all. With normal exams, I don't mind, because it's so difficult to actually fail, but on Friday I am going to fail. I hate the exams, hate them - you sit there scared out of your mind, hands shaking, and then you start dissecting your performance inside your head, forget what comes next, and screw it up bigtime.
Waited for Ella and got thrown out of pop concert I didn't want to see.
Random bitches: Eeeeh you're in shit get away from there eeeh eeeh eeeh... *begin hopelessly trying to patch up window*
Me: I'd invest in some duct tape.
RB: I'd invest in some attitude!
Me: Bite me.
Becca: *evil glare aimed at RBs*
Pathetic, I know.
So, had IT lesson, usual crap, then played Jack off Jill's version of Love Song, then Kara-de-la-derriere-gross jumped up and started the usual "Eeeeeeh you goth! Eeeehhhh mingin' music!"

Eeeeeh, bite me slowly.
I'm now watching Buffy. Seeing as I'm a complete Buffy virgin, what was the mysterious "thing" she did that got her thrown out of school so she had to move to Sunnydale?
I'm only watching it cause it's the replacement in Stargate's time slot.
Actually I like it so far(!)

(6 lights in the darkness| go catch a falling star)

6:34PM - The promises we make...

I don't know.... I've been reading the last two dozen messages from spacemonkey. Something's changed. For as long as I've been a part of the online fandom, the widespread attitude to Danny-whumpers was gentle, like,"We know you've got a problem, we'll support you if you wanna quit, we'll support you if you don't, but we'll always love you..."
I liked that attitude. I never wanted to quit, so I needed the support. But post-Meridian - it seems to be a crime to be a whumper. There's been so much flaming and bitchiness and total warfare - it even made it into the pages of a national newspaper - admittedly, the Guardian's internet section, but a newspaper. I informed the SDJ campaign of the article, and they thanked me, but ever since then things have been going downhill...

---

Anyway. I feel like crap, basically. I can actually feel the neurons in my head slowly snapping. It doesn't feel nice. I'm so tired, I don't want to do anything, but I've got a tonne of stuff to do. So... tired....
Feeling of discontent that never seems to go away lately. There's more than this, I know. Seems to me there should be more to life than going to school, getting bored, coming home, getting bored, going online, getting bored, waiting desperately for the holidays to come, getting bored, going back to school, getting bored....
Discontentedness. My life has no point. I believe I was born for a purpose; I'm not an atheist, simply an agnostic, and I would like to believe I am more than a random happening, more than a set of repeating carbon molecules, more than a clump of protoplasm, but I'm not willing to say whether I believe I am or not.
This is deviating from the point. I wish I could say that today, the world was different for my having been in it. Not better, not worse, just different.

(2 lights in the darkness| go catch a falling star)

6:30PM - Catch 22

Lots of stuff happened today, which I do mean to write about, really. I'm just pissed off because Microsoft Word keeps crashing my computer, and all my fanfic files written over the last year are now inaccessible, because that is when I (stupidly) gave up using floppy disc backups!
And my mother thinks it's all my fault. Yes, this is exactly what I want - all my work lost in cyberspace and yet somehow I'm doing this on purpose!
I've sent all my files to hotmail, so I can get at them from other computers. However, my hotmail account is now barred.

(go catch a falling star)

11:13PM - "And I hope you love your life..."

It's not been a bad day, considering. Last night I thought Becca wasn't coming, and I decided to go in myself and meet everyone, but Becca did come in the end, so...
Got up a little late, and was desperate to hurry up and catch the train, and ridiculously, got the early train. I had to get off at Blundellsands and wait for her. She did arrive, happy because she had two-pound coins, and then the train came.
We went to the Disney Store, and got presents for Meg - Becca bought her a top with "My other personality is just as dopey" on it - perfect. And there were matching socks and a card to complete the ensemble.
And then we went to Grin, and met Gez, Enid, Emma and Pip. Gez gave me advice on jeans(!) and Enid treated me to her latest idea - handcuffing herself to her pants. Not because she was afraid of losing them, as was my first suggestion, but because.... because.... um... I'll have to find out.
I bought my jeans. My mother hates them. I don't care. Really. I love them, they're too long, they drown me, and I love them to death. They're indigo denim of course, lots of pockets, and I love them. Though they are too long for me to walk, and I really don't want to cut them. Any ideas?
After we left Grin, we went up towards Waterstones, and on the way, we met Enid and Danny on the big circular thing where they put the Christmas tree in winter. And while we were talking, we were interrupted by a woman handing out leaflets. Turned out to be a born again Christian. I informed her Enid had been confirmed, and the pious response - "Praise God!" And then she turned to me. "What about you?"
"Me? I'm not even a Christian."
"God is waiting for you to give your life to him. He saved me, I was blaspheming against him, drinking, smoking, wild parties..."
Becca jumped in. "If he loved us he'd let us into heaven anyway, right?"
"Yeah, but..." I'm missing the next bit out. This is where the woman's argument fell to pieces.
"I'm a Hindu," I told her. "I'm going to be reincarnated."
"Jesus never wrote about reincarnation in the Bible..."
Jesus didn't write the Bible!
"and reincarnation is really the pits of hell; hell and heaven are real places..."
"The Hindu scriptures are seven thousand years older than the Bible..."
"You're going to burn in hell."
Smile and nod, smile and nod. We wandered away, and when we were far away enough, went into hysterics. Just as a gesture, Becca threw away the leaflets. Immediately, a bird flew low over her head, and she shouted, "Oh, Jesus!"
I hope that woman heard her.
Anyway, we proceeded to Waterstones. There are so many books I want to buy! Too many! Anyway...
Starbucks, we considered, but ended up in Subway as always, where I discovered a new and wonderful sandwich - sweet chicken onion teriyaki. Perfect. They were out of chocolate chip cookies, much to my chagrin, but I ate a raisin one. Not so good.
Before I got home, I went to the little newsagent to see if they would accept my coupon from what's-the-place, Trebor Basset. They weren't happy accepting it, but they had to.
So, I have:

• A Fudge bar
  
• Two Whole Nut bars
  
• Two Fruit 'n' Nut bars
  
• A Curly-Wurly
  
• A bag of Liquorice Allsorts
  

Well, if I wasn't going to hell before, I am now.
Because it's Pedar's birthday tomorrow and true to form, he's going to Vienna, I gave him a card and a present tonight, and we went out, the three of us. It was quite nice, although we did talk a bit about my sixteenth birthday, which everyone knows is destined to be a complete washout. I mean, my fifteenth sucked, because of my parents forgetting to actually get me anything, but my sixteenth will suck more. Knowing my luck, my parents will forget again, and then my life will just be complete.
I am slightly bored. I can't get Descent to download. Oh, well, whatever, nevermind.

(go catch a falling star)

12:24AM - You think?!

I am terrifyingly evil!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.


Seriously, I wasn't making up any of my answers.

(go catch a falling star)

12:17AM - The Reduced Shakespeare Company

I feel... strange. Tired, wide awake, bored, full of promise, a mess of contradictions.
It matters not. I've watched the whole of Redemption now, written a little, sent it to Cam... everything's as it should be.
My mother has been being sweet. She knows all about my tale of woe involving jeans, and until now I thought she was happy 'cause I have so many pairs of jeans. But no.... she actually gave me money to buy them with! Even when I said I didn't need it, she gave it to me anyway!
She knows me too well, I think. She knows how much I hate asking for money, so she's giving it to me without me asking!
Well, come this time tomorrow I will have my jeans. And that's always good.
Having been somewhat pissed off the whole evening for very little reason, the whole night just brightened up later on. I was reading King of Shadows again, and Pedar wanted to know why it had a picture of William Shakespeare on the front.
I said, "Believe me, king of shadows, I mistook."
And from there we went into a conversation about Shakespeare, which I enjoyed because I really do enjoy reading Shakespeare even if I don't always understand what's being said. It's just the feel of it I like. Pedar has decided now that the next time we go to London, we should go and see the show by the Reduced Shakespeare Company. I'd love to see it. They take all of Shakespeare's thirty-odd plays, and perform them all in about two hours, having squished them up small and cut out most of the (vital) dialogue. It sounds hilarious, and I wanna see!
Got to thinking about it, and this is all the Shakespeare I remember - it may not be right, because I haven't read the play in so long.

"Hail, spirit! Whither wander thou?"
"Over hill, over dale,
Through bush, through briar,
Over park, over pale,
Through wind, through fire,
I do wander everywhere,
Swifter than the moon's sphere..."

That's all I can ever remember.

(go catch a falling star)

11:31PM - Some stuff to do

( Some stuff to do at half eleven at night )

(go catch a falling star)

9:44PM - By the way, I tried to say...

I don't want to read this book. But as I'm translating it, I can't really help it! And oh, my God, it's without doubt one of the worst books I have ever had the extreme misfortune not to have been able to avoid reading. It's apparently a true story about the author himself, and the love of his life, a girl named Kajol. If what he writes is true, Kajol must have been an angel, and he treated her like crap. But I doubt that, cause then he wouldn't have written a book about it, so I really have no idea where he's going with this. But who am I, after all? Just the translator!

(go catch a falling star)

5:52PM - *bounces*

I'm in a good mood. I may be tired, I may have a piercing headache, and I may have a tonne of work to do, but I'm in a good mood. And the reason for that is... I have bandwith! I have bandwith! I managed to persuade the site to let me start downloading Redemption part 2. Obviously I am now absolutely terrified of pausing the download for fear of never being able to start it again. So I may just stay connected for the rest of the download or the rest of my life, whichever comes first.
I've decided to catch up on the aforementioned tonne of work. At least at the end of it I can watch Redemption all through!

(go catch a falling star)